Quiet Rants from an Optimistic Feminist

Lies

2009-05-27T21:00:00.000-07:00

How can a year and a half be reduced to lies we tell friends? How can a year and a half be reduced to voice mails and unanswered text messages? What do I do?

WWFD

2009-05-27T20:59:00.000-07:00

What does it mean to be alone? If you talk to yourself are you alone? Do animals count? What does it mean to hit rock bottom? I think tonight qualifies. Laying on the ground underneath an oak tree bawling without the strength to get up and move on is pathetic. I think what’s worse is that I know it is pathetic but I cannot stop myself. I cant stop my actions. Yes a good cry is good sometimes and crying because you break up with the love of your life is good too but it’s excessive sometimes.
WWFD? What would a feminist do? A feminist would not let a guy get to her so much. A feminist would not lay on the grass bawling. A feminist would not push her friends away and demand they stay at the same time. A feminist would not let a mental disease control her.
I am a feminist. I am going to act like one.

Scars

2009-05-25T10:41:00.002-07:00

I love my eyes
I love my freckles and my nose
I love that I have freckles on my chest.
I have a scar on my hand from a hanger issue
Sore shoulders from trying my hardest at swim but never really succeeding.
A crooked toe from wrestling with my sister.
A sore wrist from breaking it skateboarding.
A bumpy knuckle from skidding on the pavement from trying to go off the ramp.
A hanger fight with my sister

But the most gruesome scars are the ones on my arms and my leg . .. and those are the most blatant banners of my trials and tribulations.
Screaming in brown and red, there is no escaping them. Everyone sees them.
I cant hide them . do I want to hide them?
They are my battle wounds, I survived.
I’m a survivor. . . and I can survive anything. Who knew someone could live without their heart.

Promises to Me

2009-05-25T10:41:00.001-07:00

Call people and ASK for people. Don’t expect people to come to me for help.
TALK TO MY FRIENDS
Be vocal if I want something,
STOP BEING Passive
I am a strong active, opinionated woman and I need to act like it.
See the Forest through the Trees
Smile
Watch the Sunrise
Get back to my OWN sleeping schedule
Become a vegetarian again
Be healthy
Respect Boundaries . . . what are those boundaries?
What does it mean to be mentally healthy?
I deserve to be loved
I deserve to be appreciated

Chaos

2009-05-25T10:39:00.000-07:00

Embrace chaos. Embrace the uncontrollable.
The only thing I can control is myself.
The only thing I can control is myself.
The only thing I can control is myself.
Plants are chaos Cats are chaos Paintings can be chaotic.
The Women’s Rights movement was started by women wrestling order to the ground and demanding more.
History was chaotic what made a woman great was her ability to manipulate the chaos and come out ahead.
Sleep is chaotic, you truly do not have control tossing and turning at night.
Debate is chaos
Funny the one activity I love the most is true and utter chaos
Relationships are chaos. Love is chaos. How can I be in love with someone if I need to conrol everything?
Sunrises . . . the epitome of home and faith are chaos.
The most beautiful things in the world are not ordered . . .
As I close my eyes and look up and feel the thunderstorms hit me.
The most calming and constant thing in my life . . . thunderstorms bring nothing but chaos.

I am Me . . .

2009-03-17T10:27:00.000-07:00

I lost her, somewhere deep in a closet locked in a trunk of insecurities. the closet filled with my ghosts and skeletons that I don't talk about just push under a rug. They get out every now and then and wreck havoc on my life and I use to resent them for it. But I am embracing them. They are a part of me. They aren't going to fight to get out if I let them occasionally in other manners, enough to keep them at bay. Channeling them through my fingers onto paper instead of them shoving my mouth open and jumping out.

I woke up smiling for the time this morning since I've become accustomed to waking up alone. It's a gorgeous day outside, I took a shower, and decided I wanted to lay in bed again. Savoring the feel of the jersey sheets against my skin. Life is too short not to appreciate the small things. I am at peace iwth myself, and proud of myself. I am a strong independent woman that doesnt need anyone but herself. I am no Audre Lorde, or bell hooks, or Sandra Whitworth by any means.

But somewhere along the way I lost my optimism, faith in people, the hippie that dances in the rain. That is who I accidently locked in my trunk of insecurities. And she's back. I think I'll take a walk today and I think I'll celebrate St. Patrick's Day at a bar because why the hell not? I don't need to vacuum or clean, the house is liveable and that is all that matters. I am going to enjoy myself. Now that doesnt mean I dont want company by any means of the imagination. But there is a strong difference between want and need and I do not need anyone but myself. I want others but that is something different.

Yes . . . I think I have finally brokered a treaty with this demons in my closet.

Walking in the Rain

2009-03-07T18:17:00.000-08:00

After I left the Vagina Monologues tonight it was raining, and thunderstorms were coming. I walked outside and stood in the rain. Letting the cool raindrops hit my face and neck. Feeling each one as it touches my skin. I looked around and people were running to get out of the rain. Which has never made sense to me. I love the rain. Rain is new beginnings, washing away old things.

Instead of walking to my car I turned right and decided to walk around campus. As I walked and the rain came down harder and harder, slowly soaking my sweater, and into my shirt I felt at peace. Lightening going off in the background didn't bother me. As each rain drop hit my skin, I imagined it washing away a layer of skin. The tough layer of skin that i had built to protect myself, the layer of skin that pushed people away, the layer of skin that tried to control everything so I wouldn't experience loss again. The cold rain reminds me I'm not numb to the world, no matter how much I'd like to think I am.

Rain smells clean and smells of new beginnings. I wonder if I'll be lucky enough to experience that same chance the earth does when it rains. Washing away the dirt and grime, for a new layer of soil that lets plants and flowers grow faster and to their fullest. Will I get that chance? I want flowers to grow again, I remember a time where I was surrounded by sunflowers and daisies.

I close my eyes and imagine a time that I was scared of thunderstorms and lightening. I look at the lightening in the distance and am in awe of the beauty of it all. It's funny something that use to terrify me, is actually quite beautiful.

I round the corner getting back to my car and know exactly what I want to do. . . feeling new, and clean, excited and ready for Spring. But then hesitate, and all the events of the past weeks come rushing back . . .

Rain doesn't last forever. Oh only if it could. . . the constant feeling of new starts and forgotten mistakes and bad events.

But in the end all I end up with is a soaked Tshirt.

Candy Hearts

2009-03-06T07:54:00.000-08:00

There was a girl
She got Valentine’s in elementary school
Candy hearts that say “Love always” & “Be Mine”
She gave them as freely as she got them
Neon colored sweet candy
Wanting everyone to like her and to like everyone

She grew . . . and then came high school.
She didn’t give as many candy hearts away.
She kept two candy hearts in her pocket
A Pink and Green One
“Love Always” Written in Purple Letters
& “Be Mine Forever” Written in Yellow
Were no longer things to be handed out along with childhood innocence.

She met a boy,
Broke off a tiny piece of one heart and gave it to him
A tiny fleck of her green heart
Not expecting it back
Not expecting forever
The relationship ended as HS relationships do
She grieved for a day, but still had her heart intact and in her pocket.

She grew. . .
Walked barefoot in the grass
Loved the sun and swimming
Loved to speak her mind.
And grew into her own person, all the time keeping her hearts in her pocket
Never giving away pieces of her heart until she was ready to give it all.
And then it happened.

She met him like it was hitting a brick wall. She looked up and he was there.
She gave them both of her little candy hearts that were weathered with age but still intact.
Never asking for them back or thinking twice about it.

And they grew together
Walked barefoot in the grass
Talked late into the night
Until it was no more . . ..

And so she sits no more candy hearts in her pocket and not regretting a moment of it. Knowing what happens from now on doesn’t matter because she was able to give her heart to someone. And live truly happy for a period of time.

She still walks barefoot in the grass and thinks late into the night and sits in the sun alone.
Content, knowing she lives the life of dreams for a short time.
You have to wake up sometimes. But she lives everyday hoping she can get back into that dream

Roots

2009-03-05T21:23:00.001-08:00

So this started as just a metaphor but turned into a fictional story that is one huge metaphor if that makes sense . . .

So a tree moved to a flat desolate area afraid to put down roots in this awful land. Use to the sun, and smog and sounds of the ocean. I tentatively but excitedly put down one singular root when I got here. That root was big and strong and I began to rely on it.

As time went on I tentatively put out other roots, smaller in comparison to the first and often didn't trust them to help me so I would kill them off or keep them tiny for a specific reason. And time went on . . . soon the one big strong root grew tired and sick. And because it was the only root that the tree was willing to rely on it couldn't give the root a rest, and soon the tree fell over.

the tree lay on the ground for 5 days and 4 nights. On the 6th day the tree asked the root to help it, the root explained that it needed it grow into it's own tree. That it wasn't really a root but another seedling that the tree had been standing on. The tree didn't understand this and asked again to have the root support it again. It missed the root. The root refused and got up and walked away so it could have it's own sunlight and water and grow on it's own.

the tree lay there unsure what to do, so she did what she was initially afraid of doing put down roots. She spread her roots wide across different areas and most importantly looked inside her trunk and put down her own root, the strongest and largest of them all. She was able to start enough roots to stand up again.

She stood up and looked around and far away she saw the root that had left blossoming into his own tree. She realized this made her even happier than having it as a root for herself. This tree meant other people could enjoy him too. But she missed him. She asked if she could move closer and the tree said he wanted to grow and was afraid that she would take all the sunlight and water away.

The tree was sad for awhile and cried. But realized he was right she had been taking all of the sunlight and water all for herself. So she stayed where she was, and asked if she could try to slowly grow a root out close to his roots and maybe one day they would be intertwined again.

The other tree agreed, and said he missed her too and would do the same. So they sit on opposite ends of the field slowly growing their roots out to one day intertwine again. But paying no more attention to those roots as opposed to any others. After many days and weeks the girl tree felt her root finally touch something she looked up and saw the boy tree smiling from far away, and she knew she had found them.

And they live happily ever after forever intertwined.

Sun . . .

2009-03-05T13:43:00.001-08:00

I was sitting outside today with my eyes closed just letting the sun hit me and instantly felt better. It gave me energy and strength I did not have. The sun is an amazing thing that I use to take for granted. The warm rays, make my skin feel alive, remind me that I'm alive and that I am a whole person. Close my eyes take a deep breath and remember that tomorrow I will be here just like the sun is.

I think i'll go sit in the sun more often, and feel the grass between my toes. We're only on this earth for a short time it doesn't make sense to be miserable while we're here.

There are constants in my life . . . and I need to appreciate those and not question them. Know that when there are cloudy days that will never be forever and if the sun isn't shining on me it's somewhere else brightening someone else's day and no one should live their life selfish.

Lunch for One

2009-03-01T13:55:00.000-08:00

No that's not a metaphor it's literal. I wanted to go out to eat today, and did not want fast food. I felt i was in a conundrum of having no one to come eat with me, and the thought of me seating at a table by myself, just seemed too much. Then I realized not only was that not the end of the world but that seemed almost enjoyable. So I went and purchased a book for fun, went to a restaurant and proudly announced table for one.

She led me to my seat and i sat and opened my book, ordered and proceeded to enjoy myself. I do not need a companion to enjoy a meal by myself, I don't need to get my food to go and run home to my apartment to hide. I can be in public by myself to eat and not only endure it but enjoy it. And I did I enjoyed my food and my book all by myself. Smiling.

Snow Angels

2009-02-28T10:11:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning sad that the bed next to me was empty again. And then it was snowing outside. I love snow I find it so elegant and peaceful and just breathtakingly gorgeous. But it reminded me of the drive here a year ago, the Christmas in Idaho, the sad attempt at a snow person, the snowball fights, the driving in the snow and most importantly my first night here waking up to seeing snow. And all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and sleep the day away. But I didn't I woke up. I took my medicine like I am suppose to. And thought about how I have never made a snow angel and that I wanted to. I concluded I couldn't because no one else was here to make a snow angel with me so I just sat and watched the snow fall without me. . .

Then I realized (with the help of a friend) that I could go make a snow angel by myself I didn't need someone to help me up afterwards that I could do it myself. Instead of being depressed of what the snow reminded me of I could make new memories by myself. These don't erase the old memories or negate their importance but I do not need other people to make me happy I can do that on my own.

So I got dressed, and went outside. Going out the front door and seeing the front lawn almost took my breath away it was perfect, there wasn't a single footprint or mark just a white blanket. I walked 10 steps underneath the two large trees and stopped and turned around and the only thing I saw were my own foot steps . . . I was doing this on my own. I stood in a wide enough spot and hesitated unsure how to get down without help. And then I just knelt a little and fell backwards and then started making a snow angel, smiling and laughing the entire time. And then I paused, and was quiet, all I could hear were the cars whizzing past for once not caring if people saw this 22 year old by herself making snow angels. Then I wondered how I would get up on my own without messing up the snow angel, I slowly got up on my own. And turned around and admired the perfect snow angel, with no hand-prints merely footprints around her.

Smiling, having fun and feeling free, feeling like myself that use to go dance in the rain and sit on the beach to listen to the ocean. I realize that she wants a companion. The snow angel doesn't need a companion but she would like want. So I smile turn around about half a foot away from her and lay back down making another snow angel. And I can't help it I just burst out laughing and smiling. I lay there for a second close my eyes and just feel the cold snow around me. I get up again with making no hand-prints, and turn around and look at the two snow angels. There's footprints in between them that look deep, but can easily be brushed away. do I brush them away? or leave them as reminders of how they were created and the trials that occurred to get them there. Brushing them away wouldn't actually erase them just cover them up, until the snow started to melt and they would be exposed again. No, the boot-prints should stay there as a reminder of the problems that happened. . .

But most importantly, I went outside and had fun and was happy by myself just like the first snow angel.

Light . . .

2009-02-27T12:22:00.000-08:00

Wow my titles are corny.
I am still groping the walls trying to find the exist, and encountering spiders and bugs. But I am alive. I feel as normal as I can feel. I am smiling even if it gets bugs in between my teeth. And those scary noises coming from the opening of the cave that I did not want to encounter end up being good.

It's funny the perspective is changed when the lights are turned off and rug is pulled from under you. You realize that rug you've been stepping on isn't a rug at all, but another living creature who needs to find their own way out as well. Thing are different in the dark . .. things are bigger, scarier, louder and more menacing. But the best part about the dark is when you reach the light at the opening of the cave. The light and gorgeous friends, and things that you see that may not have mattered before matter now.

The absence makes the heart grow fonder. Being in the dark is when you truly find yourself and stand on your own. All you got is the wall and the bugs to climb over (not kill) until you reach that opening. And who you find at that opening is the living creature you were suffocating before. . . and regardless of if you go your separate paths, your yourself again and stronger.

Breathing

2009-02-26T07:46:00.000-08:00

Breathing while my world crumbles
Breathing while I’m spinning
Breathing while you walk away
Breathing to make sure I’m still alive
In and out, expanding my lungs until they’re full as a check to ensure I am still alive
To make sure the pain isn’t too much
To make sure that the pain didn’t maim or permently alter me

I stood on the porch, and watched you laugh with our/your friends as my world crumbled. Joking about vicious koala bears only reminds me of being a koala, with you in bed. When the world was perfect and nothing could touch us.

Now, I wake up in the morning and all I can focus on is my breathing. In and Out. Making sure I am still alive. Funny, weeks ago I contemplated ending my life now I am doing all I can to hang on until I am no longer in limbo. The lights have been turned out in my cave and I am groping the walls amongst spiders and bugs for the exit.

2009-01-29T06:54:00.001-08:00

It's a wonderful feeling when you know that you're not important enough for people to remember this blog. I can write what I am actually thinking and feeling and not be yelled at for it. I moved for the man of my dreams, I fell in love and nothing else matter. I truly believe he is my soulmate.

Confusion

2007-11-26T13:40:00.000-08:00

Im sitting in an apartment in a far away place with a need to blog. I am not sure what I want. Oh do not get me wrong that are specific things, people, enttiies, and situations I want and know i want. I just dont know how to obtain them. I dont know what to do and I dont know what will make me happy. I wish someone would just tell me what to do, that would make life so much easier. but being an adult no one will do that will they? Why is life hard? Sorry this is ridiculously emo.

I wish we were giving maps as to where we are suppose to go and do within our life. I have always been that person with a plan, and stuck ot that plan, and made new plans and followed them. Never have I willingly changed plans should I?

9 months . . .

2007-11-18T12:40:00.001-08:00

9 months since my last post . . . i started realizing this a few weeks ago but the rentry into that was my beloved blog seemed quite daunting. This morning I decided to suck it up and do it. . . so my life as of now:
1) Family is good, my mom is still healthy (thank goodness) my sister and brother are seriously so impressive its exciting they're both so talented and artistic its amazing. My sister graduates this year which is totally crazy I dont even know how to comprehend that.
2) Friends . . . well i dont live iwth AJ anymore but I think thats better, we're still really good friends if not closer. I live with Mandy she's hilarious and amazing. Everyone else is good, Kristina and I are friends again which is quite exciting I met some new friends and that leads me into . . .
3)Debate - I am a proud Parli Debater, this decision was not forced upon me but a decision I reached on my own. I love policy debate but it just was not for me anymore. it had been the entirety of my life and just was time to move on. Parli deabte has amazing people that I love (and one I am in love with . . . shhh) and its fun! We're doing okay I am not debating with AJ this year but that will be the next two years (and we're planning on winning nationsl btw)
4) God -She exists . . . i did regularly go to church . . . but i really think I am back to being agnostic. I know there is a God and I love that God and I believe in heaven but I just cant get my beliefs to conform to a certain church. I think this also forces me to ignore facets of my identitiy because they can not become reconciled with the church.
5) School - school is good, still double major, still working through and sitll have two more years after this year . . . God I cant wait till Grad School
6) Love - umm yes! Lol this is weird to write on here after everything i have gone through and the shit peopel have put me through. However I am in Love with a capital L with a wonderful Man. and life is good :-)

Okay so the end of the boring update . .. im going to write more i swear!!

Updates I guess

2007-11-05T16:50:00.000-08:00

Okay so I havent written here in forever granted because no on reads it but meh. (i know i know live journal etc.) but this gives me a sense of privacy but at the same time Im kinda starving for attention I dont know. Anyways . .. life is good, i am devoting this week to getting my life back onto track and with that blogging regularly again. (i hope)

This weekend was pretty amazing. Thats not even close enough to the actual occurences but the best I can do.

publish unfinished. found in drafts but referring to the Berkeley tournament

Pouring Rain at Stanford . . .

2007-02-10T16:36:00.000-08:00

:o) :o)
that is my response to being at Stanford. I am happy to be here. I am being slightly whimsical but i like doing that :-) I am happy and this rain i think is washing away a layer. The trip last night was not that bad at all which was nice. And chilling iwth piddy and AJ is great! I dont know i just feel at peace and happy. :o) I have school, and coaching and the anticipation of debate. what else could there be? :-)

So i had a bigger purpose for this blog and it just kind of went away.

I really love coaching. I have most of my good kids going to camp, and they are just amazing. I have one girl that we have to fundraise money for her to go but I'm positive we'll do it.

I love all my classes this semester . . .well poly sci iskinda boring wchih i am not sure if that's a sign that maybe i'm not meant ot be a poly sci major or it' sjust classes i have to sit through *shrugs* I'll figure that out later. I am actually reading and being productive and doing homework which is great! :-) I get to go to CEDA to hang out which i am also excited about!!

Debate wise I am done for the semester which is odd. but i am working and lookin towards next year! *shrugs* I think i am loosening up whcih AJ would say is a good thing :-P

I turn 20 tomorrow . . .

2007-01-21T14:04:00.000-08:00

I turn 20 tomorrow and I can hardly believe it. I am still grappeling with the changes that have been made lately. I am happy. I am oddly at peace. Close to friends, close to family and close to God. THings feel right. When I look back at the turmoil I went through last year this seems strangely odd. Maybe it's the calm before the storm or maybe things are settling down for a little bit at least. That would be nice.

Winter Break . . . has been enlightening to say the least. I am content. Granted I still want things/people/events so badly I can taste them but I am content. :-)

Okay so when I was a little girl we would always play games that envisioned us older . . always around 20. And you always have this view of the world when you are that age. You have a boyfriend, you have a group of friends, you live in your own aparmtent and have parties all the time. IT all seemed so glamourous. Lol not so much but I am getting the things that I want which is awesome. :-) I have friends! Good close amazing friends that love me for who I am and leave it at that. I feel accepted . . .

I am going to be 20.I just cant beleive that. It has been 4 years since I got my license, 3 years since my first real boyfriend, 2.5 since my first real boyfriend cheated on me in the soap opera fashion. 5 years since I starte ddebating, 2 years since I met AJ, 5 years since I met Kristina, countelss years since I met Randi, a little over a year since i Met Tim, 2 years since I moved to Long Beach and becam epart of a family, 21 years since my birth father has died, 3 years since i fell in love for the first time. It all seems worlds away.

I have started writing again which is amazing. That truly is goodness. *shrugs* nothing really dramatic just norlmacy.
I am standing up for myself which is a plus. If you dont like me or my beliefs then screw you! sorry this is soo Hallmarky and Whimsical . . Muah I Love It!!

LA Times

2006-12-12T09:42:00.000-08:00

Yeah . . . so I feel weird. I just read an article from the LA Times today about policy debate and almost cried. It hit me. That doesnt matter anymore. I will never get to read cards and break the silent genocide. I will never get to debate hip hop or narratives. I'll never get to hope to hit Fort Hays. Or the abusive performance from the Fullerton squad. Never Again. That makes me so sad. I had so many ideas as to what was going to happen. And they're all just . . . gone. I cant begin to quantify this feeling. It's a mix of regret, hopelessness, and utter disbeleif. Something that was my life for 5 long great yeras. That shaped me because of the people I met and ddebated and read is gone. I dont get to do it ever again. And that realization leaves me speechless. . . I cant begin to express gratitude or anything along those lines to all that affected me. And I cant begint o say good bye either. It's a hard cold realization that you were forced out of the activity that you loved and you had to make the decision never to go back. You were willing to sacrifice everything to work for something and work until you reached that goal and you cant. you PHYSICALLY can not. You overcame debating when your body was 3/4s numb and it physically hurt to move your hands. You sacrificed a relationship for debate, and scholarships. And you look back and ask was it all in vain? Was it worth it? And I'm not sure right now if it was worth it. My ultimate goal I will never get to reach I have to settle for a smaller less satisfactory goal. (This is not a diss to parli in anyway)

I just dont know. I miss policy and I miss the people the rounds the spreading the line by line the performance the potential. but most importantly I miss the feeling of hope. Hope for the activity, hope the program wasnt going to die hope that i was going to finally succeed after fighting for 5 years to get here. It's all gone . . . all of it and I have nothing to show for it. . .
So What Now?

I'm not sure I can "do" Parli. I dont know if I can take it and know what I am missing. But whatever nothing I can do about it . . .
The End

Debate and Family

2006-11-08T15:24:00.000-08:00

Last year sucked for me debate wise. I was attacked directly and indirectly. I went to a school where i knew no one, turned things down so I could debate the way and how I wanted to. Last year didnt go quite as planned. I am okay with that now. Last year happened for a reason. Out of it i got three amazing people that started what I now call my family part 2. These people love me and are willing to protect me.

As I sat in that class room visibly shaking and just couldnt stop. They protected me. They told them to stop it. ANd tried to fix it and make it better. So I had a Mom and a Dad although and an annoying big brother. This year added onto that family became a twin sister, a lil brother and a big sister. (Kristi, AJ and Katie respectively) There are miscellaneous people as well that I dont know if WANT to call family for obvious reasons but there is Tim as well. They're my family part 2. I love them, they love me and we all protect eachother no matter what. . .

Greg and Juan are on the team this year. From the get go I had a problem with this. I work my ass off on debate and so does AJ. Yet we see them being allowed to go to big travels tournaments for no reason. I had placed a lot of blame on Greg and had to work hard to forgive him for last year. BUt I did. IT was out of my hands, it happened for a reason. And i forgave Greg. I made an effor to include them on the team. and to be nice to them most importantly. Pepperdine was a good tournament things seemed to be okay. Then last night . . .

We were forced to practice debate them (which we hate and found counterproductive) But we pulled out our Freire block that we've run multiple times and ran a K of exclusionary language. After the 1NC (AJ) Greg starts to yell. And it escalates. And Greg is now yelling at AJ and personally attacking us. Sarah is in the room. Our "mom". What does she do? Nothing. She lets Greg and Juan maliciously and personally attack us.

This was hard. I had forgiven Greg for last year. I knew that he was not spiritually whole and knew that him yelling at us was not really his doing. But for her to sit there and not do anything just hurt. It really allowed everything about last year to come back and haunt me. Physically I am sick . . . it's not the flu it's . . . different and one of my main justifications for it being okay to go this weekend was my mom was going to watch out for me . .. but is she? It makes me sad that she may not protect us :'o(
The End
Alyssa Jean

Life . . .

2006-11-01T11:32:00.000-08:00

Life has been crazy lately. Like it's good. I have my friends and family and i love them. And we're doing okay in debate. (school kinda sucks but that will be fixed i promise!) And most importantly I have grown closer to God. It's indescribable the feeling it is to have this growing relationship. I know God is teaching me a lot right now. A lot of it is really hard but I know it is good in the end.

I am happy a lot more lately, there was a time to where i was just so undescribably sad. But I am truly happy. I love it and i love life! Even though things may be hard in the near future I know I can tackle it because God is always there. :o) I am truly at peace with myself. ANd for me to be able to say that is amazing. I realized a lot last night and today on the long drive back by myself from San Diego.

I need to value the friends that value me. I cant throw myself at friendships hoping they'll become what I want them to become by doing anything and everything for that person. I can have a friendship that is equal, that both sides care and make an active effort to maintain. Also, some friendships are just plain different from others and have different expectations and no matter what people try and do they arent going to change into something else.

Bottom Line - God has a plan for me. It is a great plan. That I know in my heart and have known for as long as I can remember. I know the people I care deeply about, and the type of people I need to surround myself with, and i am doing that. I am an amazing person that deserves the best. Yeah i still have insecurties but not as bad as I use to . .. I am getting better and am so happy doing it! So seriously thank you so much those that have stuck by me especially the last few weeks when I was at my worst. (Uh Norms anyone? Or that night on the couch with AJ and Kristi?) Thank you, you are always in my prayers and I love you so much for what you ahve done. I just hope you know you're appreciated!!

I really do think I have let go this time (however this is the 3rd time ive said this? Everytime i try to something happens that reminds me of everything and makes me want to hang on . . . ) I have not giving up hope. Hope I will always have that optimistic part in me. I hope the best out of people and for people.

Weekend the First

2006-10-23T11:53:00.000-07:00

So . . . after all the crap that happened. And everything that i went through. This was the first debate weekend I had since that. I was a little worried, because the uhh lets say post debate activities were not conducive to some choices that i had made not to frivolously engage in.

I began to fall back into my old habits but stopped myself. Which I am very happy about. I realized just because I was getting that positive attention didnt mean I should engage it. I have been talking a lot of tlak lately about being healed, and strong and ready to move on and have accepted things. And I am, but .. . this weekend proved i still have a long road ahead of me. I am still hurt, but it's not really an arrow. Its plain and simple grieving. It's me learning how to let go of hope, and let go of something that really will never be no matter how much i want otherwise. Maybe i was wrong . . . *shrugs*

I am really happy though. I am so blessed for the strong support system I have. And now that I am finding a church for Saturday nights (thoughts anyone?) Life is good. This weekend I began to get one of my best friends back. And I had missed her. It made me happy. It was like old times. This was such an "oh wow" weekend I LOVED it. I met some new friends from UTSA which was awesome and apparently I have to go to Texas or my dogs guts will be smeared on my bed . . . now knowing me the question is is that a bad thing?! :-P

I love y'all!!
Alyssa Jean

ps: i am DYING to do a randomn trip SOMEWHERE. Thoughts? Ideas? And I need to go to Six Flags before my pass expires. Thoughts? Ideas? Not like I have time!! muah!!!!

Gender & Debate

2006-10-18T09:14:00.000-07:00

Hmm so randomn thoughts . . .

There are no all girl schools that do well in debate. Most of the all boy high schools that do debate are in the upper levels of it. This is sad! How do we expect to break down the stereotypes and bring equal representation within debate if we dont start at the high school level where most policy debaters start debating?

what's funny is a few things . . . I think the only way to change policy is from within. Because, if you look lower levels of policy of fairly equal representation of genders BUT when you get into Open and upper levels within Open you dont see as many womyn. There have been 3 womyn that won the NDT . . . THREE! That's just sad! And it has never been an all girl team.

At camp last year we had a "diversity" forum, but that didnt exactly work because the only people that came to the forum were pretty much the people that talk about it in debate, and amongst their teams and were kind of already committed to that.

In parli the gender rift isnt as bad. And I dont think it's because it's a different form of debate. I think it's because it's a newer form of debate and the atmosphere is less exclusive. Parli was created as a reaction to parli by definition they already feel marginalized within respect to policy debate.

I think that's also why i miss the parli community. i do NOT MISS PARLI! AT ALL. But I do miss the people and the atmosphere it was a lot more collaborative and more open. In policy it's hard to make friends when you are new on the circuit.

just randomn thoughts. . . something other than Emo-ness I thought :-D

Being Vulnerable

2006-10-14T16:06:00.000-07:00

This blog I think is a certain aspect of vulnerability that this blog exposes that i am not sure if I am ready for. I have a few blogs I really want to write but I am not sure if I want to write them for all to see . . . I kind of do and I kind of dont. So I am not sure what to do.

See, the person I use to tell everyting today and I are undergoing some key changes that are going to alter things forever and I am frantically looking for a new confidant but I dont know if I can have one of those right now. I put too much "stock" in that person. I think I need to feel alone for a little awhile. This will strengthen my relationship wtih God, I do have friends but I am not sure why I just dont have that instant connection or built connection that I have had with people in the past. I will get through this and maybe write the blogs I want to write soon.
Pray for me please.
Alyssa

Hope . . .

2006-10-05T13:23:00.000-07:00

One of the scariest things ever is to wake up one morning and realize all the hope and excitment that was brimming inside of you and boiling over is gone. It was taken from you. And you are not hopeless, and an empty shell. You sit and think back and try to remember when this happened and you cant pinpoint an event or conversation that caused this to happen. It "just did". You jump out of bed and race around desperately trying to regain a semblance of the hope and excitement. And the places you turn to just arent able to give it to you. what do you do then?

You Pray . . . and pray . . . and pray.

and when you have prayed and are utterly exhausted and start to get some of that hope back you know things are right in the world. Forever changed most likely . . . but right. And you feel at peace again and can continue your slumber.

Friends

2006-10-03T12:41:00.000-07:00

Throughout elementary school and high school I always moved at the exact time that I was supose to be making friends fort eh next few years. 8th grade moved to Alta Loma, 6th grade move to Fontana etc. Because of this I was never really IN a group of friends or HAD a group fo friends. I had one or two friends and then by proxy a group of friends. But I was always just an add-on, the "plus one" of a group. You know the "plus one" at parties that latches on to the one person they know because in reality they just dont really know anyone.

I had a best friend for a few years, that was absolutely amazing, we did everything together and shared everything. But then she went away . . .

During high school, my world revolved around debate and other community service stuff I did. Because of this I was never "into" school activiites and had friends elsewhere. My high school friendships boiled down to two ultimately. Hannah and Kristina. Hannah was my debate partner for a year, and ended up to be one of my best friends. But she is in LA, totally in love ;-) and really busy. Also, she graduated a year earlier then me leaving my sr. year slightly lonely to say the least. I would call her and say "I fucked up" and she would reply with okay what happpened we'll find some way to justify it. Even though we dont talk a lot anymore I can still call her and know she'd be there no matter what. Kristina is the same way but now she is in long beach (more on that later)

Last year my first year of college, I was so excited. My thoughts were a whole huge new debate team equals new friends. But that didnt happen. Beginning of the year I was not only exiled from the policy squad by the other policy debaters. I just never fit in. I was in parli. . . kind of. .. for a year. I changed policy partners weekly, no friendships there. I had some other friends but they ended up being not good people anyway. I met parli friends but most I dont see anymore because I moved back to parli. And last year the friends i was supose to make in policy didnt happen becuse I was never at enough tournaments.

Now in college that is beginning to change. I am meeting a few very good friends that I know will always be there for me. I actually have my own group. I am so excited and so blessed. There is no more "plus one" no more by proxy i have friends. I have a set group of friends that I know are always there for me. They are amazing. I am so blessed. I think that I need to acknowledge that God has a purpose for keeping isolated from people. And now I need to heal from those wounds. I am ready for it too. I can truly appreciate my group of friends. I think this steady support system will help show me that I truly am loved, and am I not alone. God is showing me to appreciate my friends. Specific thank yous to make sure my friends are appreciated! Thank you from the bottom of my heart AJ, Kristi, and Katie.

oops

2006-10-03T09:43:00.000-07:00

okay so i have promised myself to never take posts down that is true . . . if anything it reminds me of stupididy. okay so seriously . . . i have HUGE issues, i mean HUGE. lol i am SOOO hypocritical. Like okay so check this out . . .
i am sitting around waiting for a certain someone to heal, (whcih is fine) silly me thinking I am ready and etc. haha ooo no.

My twisted self whenever i reach an understanding with this other person, and i am at peace with what is going on andunderstand it and am OKAY with it. As soon as I get by myself I twist and distort what is going into something negative. Because how the hell could an amazing guy like me right? That's why this summer (in lieu of this guy) i tried to date really awful guys because maybe THEY would like me right?

i mean how horrible is that? i am so insecure and have so little self confidence that I talk myself OUT Of a guy liking me who CLEARLY cares for me.

looks like he's not the only one that needs to heal . . . i have some arrows of my own.

it's funny i"ve been reading sacred romance honestly thinking that I was actually okay, and that yes I have arrows but not that manby, and not that deep. Ooo was I wrong. there's loads of them. i cant believe how much of in denial I was!

so yeah . . . that's kind of the end.

Screaming Silently

2006-10-02T21:32:00.000-07:00

Okay so i am not going to apologize for blogs I write . . . they are how i feel in the moment and i am not going to be sorry. I refuse to be!!

okay so this may be me being emo but i am mad and frustrated and losing hope.

i just feel like screaming and crying and yelling. but i cant because it hurts someone else and they get really really upset and that is worse than anything.

i think it may be unintentional but the figurative slapping around that is occuring has slapped me into apathy.

whatever . . .apathy power go!

Berkeley

2006-09-27T07:09:00.000-07:00

okay so litarately life has been far too busy to update on. We had our first debate tournament this weekend and it was . . . interesting.

AJ and I went 3-3, which isnt horrible but it is not amazing either. We were kind of disappointed because we certaintly did not lose to amazing teams. It was more error on our part. But by the end of the tournament we really started to "click". So I forsee a bright future for us. I am really excited, he actually works harder than I do! This weekend re-affirmed that the right decision had been made iwth the partner .. .issue a little while back. The tournament was odd in an aspect of I had a debate team with me, not just myself and a partner. That was an interesting and at times headache induced expierience. I have been praying God to grant me patience, since I really just dont have any, and I think this year is a way of showing me patience. What was moreso interesting about the tournament is that I miss peopel from parli . .. when I first got to the tournament the first people I talked to was Gavin and Mike Dorsi lol ABOUT parli. It is not that I was I was in parli, or anything like that I just simply miss the people. But I am sure I will gather friends in policy again with time. I do have a few like the SFSU boys. . .and Fullerton peeps :-)

This is going to be an uber busy season but I am really excited about it. The main thing is to be able to balance other aspects of my life. Which I know wont really happy, I just hope I have enough time for people along the way. :-)

Other than that life has been pretty uneventful, my uncle is back from France but I have yet to see him. :-( and I have had to reschedule appointments five gazillion times because I have just not had time. And I am slowly repairing friends which is important. Ooo yeah I realized last night that I need to learn how to take compliments, I always feel awkward when people compliment me . .. thoughts?
That's all for now I think . . .
x's and o's
*aly

We the peoples . . .

2006-09-15T06:47:00.000-07:00

to save succeeding generations from the scourge of war, which twice in our lifetime has brought untold sorrow to mankind, and

to reaffirm faith in fundamental human rights, in the dignity and worth of the human person, in the equal rights of men and women and of nations large and small, and

to establish conditions under which justice and respect for the obligations arising from treaties and other sources of international law can be maintained, and

to promote social progress and better standards of life in larger freedom,

This was read in my Poly Sci class yesterday and it made me all warm and fuzzy. I started this blog ranting about what the UN hasnt done and how much they suck at life. But even if that is true . . . look at what they intended to do? Look at the things they HAVE accomplished. It makes me happy.
Yes, there are places where they are not intervening, and sometimes when they relaly really suck at life. But the UN charter still makes me warm and fuzzy. Maybe it's the idealist in me.

Just felt I should share . . .

Aly or Alyssa

2006-09-06T10:52:00.000-07:00

Hmm I must be fasicnated with dichotmies today. Okay so I was thinking. . . and in the summer before 5th grade I decided that I would prefer to be called "Aly" than "Alyssa". Alyssa had always felt so cumbersome and it didnt fit me. Alyssa just seemed like an odd name that did not match my outlook or personality. So I changed it, from then on I was Aly. I was Aly from my entrance into Middle School to my exit of high school and on. It fit me, or the persona I wish to display. Aly seemed quick, and carefree, and FUN. It just seemed to sit me. I thought of myself as an Aly not an Alyssa.

I really use to hate the name Alyssa, it would get mispronounced. I could always tell when someone got to me on the roll because they would see Alyssa Jean Fiebrantz, and scrunch their face not sure how to pronounce any of it really. And i got annoyed with all the mispronunciations. I never thought of my name as pretty.

But now I look at my name, and I see it as pretty, and the more I grow the more I feel that my name may actually indeed fit me. Alyssa . . . I always thought of myself as Aly winning the NDT. But maybe it needs to be Alyssa. The obvious nickname from the Lissy is cute, but very personal. My mom use to call me that, and I could see a future significant other lovingly using Lissy as opposed to Aly. Yes, I think I like Alyssa. But how does one go about changing that? Should I? I think Aly was a sort of wall I suppose that I put up. My family, and a FEW close friends from my childhood called me Alyssa.

But if you look at what Alyssa means . . .
Alyssa (pronounced ah-LISS-ah or uh-LEE-suh) is a female given name of Greek origin. Some of its meanings are noble, of good cheer, wise, logical, rational. Girls bearing this name are thought to be princesses, or of royal descent.

The name is derived from the white, lavender, or bright yellow Alyssum flower.
I enjoy the imagery that this brings. This seems like me. Hmm just a thought.

There are many variant forms for Alyssa, including: Aly, Ally, Alissa, Alisse, Allissa, Allyse, Allyssa, Alysa, Alisa, Alyse, Alysse, Alyssia, Elisa, Elissa, Ellisa, Illissa, Ilisa, Illisa, Ilyssa, Ilysa, Lissy, Lissa,Lysa, Lissie and Lyssa.

Alissa and Elissa (in Arabic script: اليسار, اليسا and عليسا) are variations of the name of Queen Elissar, the founder of Carthage.

In Persian, Alissa and Alyssa, could also mean 'Ali like', in the same way as Mahssa means 'moon like'. The suffix 'sa, in Persian script: 'سا', meaning 'like', makes the name feminine, in the same way, 'a' in 'Paula' makes the name feminine.

If you look up Aly in wikepedia you get an airport. I am not an airport. . . (NO JOKES THERE PLEASE :-P)

thoughts?

ps: it's funny . . .how self involved can I be that I write a blog about my name?

Womyn vs. Girl

2006-09-06T10:39:00.001-07:00

I was thinking the other day, and womyn is not merely a girl after 18 years old. The title womyn is something to be proud of. You are part of a strong group of people. Womyn are so important that they have their own major and literature and movement. I think my opinion of the group of womyn is so high that I prefer to decide that some GIRLS who are not well lets just say good people do not belong in the category of womyn. Judith Butler, now she is a womyn (granted she would reject the notion of the static term of womyn but you get the point), Margaret Thatcher, bell hooks, my mother, my grandma, they are womyn.

I feel you need to earn the classification of womyn. I was thinking the other day and was hesitant to call myself a womyn. I thought am i yet? What have I done that is worthwhile enough to consider myself as such? And I thought yes I am a womyn. I am strong and for the most part self sufficient, I set goals and obtain them. I am becoming spirtually stronger, and mentally. Why not call myself a womyn? Then why my hesitation? I dont compare to the womyn, like my mother, or bell hooks, or Margaret Thatcher, or Ruth.

What does it take for me to consider myself a womyn? I think I am less hesitant now than I was a year a go to call myself as such. And my times of glee and self confidence I can say silently, yes I am a womyn. But in my darkest hours I do not feel as such. Maybe that's how all womyn feel or it's just me in my transition phase.
hm truly randomn.
Alyssa Jean

Embracing Reality

2006-09-02T10:10:00.000-07:00

Why does it always feel like accepting reality is embracing the mundane? giving up hope? giving up faith? simply giving up in general . . .

I am the annoying optimist that hopes for the best from/to people. The problem is that latley there has been a lot going on that is forcing me to accept reality. Reality is a good thing right? You're grounded and realistic. Why is that always mutually exclusive to being what you want? dream? hope for? Those are all words for the future but I mean still. I think I am realizing too often I build people up (what's funny is if u know me really well there is one of like three people that I am specificlaly talking about and 2/3's of y'all are wrong. just saying . . . no no it's not THAT person) and they inevitably disappoint me. And then I get frustrated when they do so, or act just liek they act but not how I see them.

I am not sure why this is. I could just be utterly sick and dillusional. But oh well. I always prided myself in being an idealist, and the optimist. Which is inevitably going to disappoint me in the end . . . *shrugs* just a thought.
I still believe it's the idealists that change this world and change people, because of that expectation they hold people up to and belive in them is what causes people to change. Then it's jsut a cost benefit analysis how many times od you get hurt and disappointed before they change? I wonder if that's the same reasoning that battered people, and drug addicts friends use? Oh well . .. I like having faith in people, I like hoping they're going to be better, and good, and trustworthy. BUt I dont like when they turn around and talk shit, and actually dont even like me. It is just horrible and vicious and mean.

I'm sad I got really really happy a few weeks back because i realized I finally had some close girlfriends. I had never had close girlfriends before I was alwys one of the guys. (I am not essentializing I swear) And now in the span of about a week two of them are just disappearing.

My friend last night was commenting that I've had to have pep talks like every night which is really depressing and I am kind of scared to say true. I dont know what I have alwys been such a happy go lucky person. So my fall goal is to not get so upset when people disappoint me I guess?

See the problem with that is that seems so jaded and past caring; but then I lose my ability to care about people almost. Not the same as I do now. I lose that trust . ..
so I dunno. Just ramblings from a person with 4 hours of sleep at work for 5 more hours.

The End

Stuck in Neutral

2006-08-31T09:30:00.000-07:00

I have been told time and time again that I am a very caring person. (I think this is a load of BS but oh well) I do care about some people. I mean if you're my friend you're my friend till the end for the most part. I will stand by you no matter what. Now in saying that when I see one of my friends in trouble my instinct is to help. I want to help them. I hate my friends going through paying and agony. I know it makes them stronger but I'd rather it not be on them type of thing. Like I would do anything to help them.

Equally so when friends are doing stupid things I want to scream and shout at them so they realize that it is stupid. When this behaviour becomes habitual i want to do the same thing scream shout reason with them until they realize or start to care. ANYTHING so they dont make irreparable mistakes. But the problem is I am good at caring about people and having huge empathy for them. But, I dont know how to help them.

I have a good friend who is an amazing soul but beyond that. They can talk to people and get peopel to open up and actually help them. I envy that person. I dont know HOW to help my friends. It seems everything i do is wrong or makes them angrier. I wish I had that ability to help people. All I can do is listen and care for them but then have to send them to someone else to help.

I would love to be in a position to help people all the time. I would just love that. I think that is why I want to be a debate coach or a lobbyist I can help people with the skills that I have. I can help people and maybe even inspire people in a way that I know how and that does not get them pissed off at me.

The future is well and good with helping people. but what do I do now for my friends? I know being there should be enough blah blah blah. But how do you be there for someone that is doing the equivalent of snorting coke? Pat their back? hold their kleenex while they bleed? that all seems a little enabling to me.
Grrness
The end of Frustration
*Aly

And the school year begins . . .

2006-08-29T09:29:00.000-07:00

I was driving to school today (stuck in traffic) and was thinking that a year ago today I was doing the exact same thing in the exact same car with the exact same backpack and laptop going ot the exact same school. But that is where the similarities stop. . . this year I am carpooling with my new roommate which means I am no long at my grandparents house. I am single, whereas last i was very much so not. But deeper than that I think i have changed a lot in a good way. I am more confident, I feel good. (for the most part)

It is kind of funny, I was dead convinced that I was probably not going ot change much or become more aware of who I am (if you're of the opinion you dont really change simply become more aware of things) And here I am definately different. . .

It is kind of funny if you choose the same day last year and think about where you were then as opposed to now. just a thought . . .

mm it was just a thought . . . the stupidity of most people hasnt bother me too much yet! :-)
ttfn

Summer is Officially Over.

2006-08-28T10:48:00.002-07:00

Summer is finally over. A few weeks ago, I was whineing that the summer was not long enough. But the past few weeks have been enough to fill an entire summer. I am ready for school to start. . . and debate season to start . . . and to be oh so busy that I can not think about things that i should not think about.

AJ finally moved in. It seems so surreal that we finally have all three roomates. and that school is starting and that other things may be in question. I love my roommates we all get along so well. Aside from fighting occasionally mostly about animals! :-P

there is a lot going on right now, but I think I will get through it with the help of mainly my roommates because they rock at life. So basically dont worry!
luv y'all
*Aly

Being Lonely in a Crowd

2006-08-24T17:01:00.000-07:00

Okay this is kind of annoying. For the most part I am a very upbeat and optimistic person. Lately I have this undeniable sense of hopelessness and and lonelines the past few days. I am not sure why I just feel alone and hopeless. IT doesnt make any sense, I have friends, and God, and debate and school yet I feel utterly alone. Maybe it's when I go to find someplace to runaway to I can not. I am tied down by time obligations and unrelenting appointments along iwth unwilling partners for excursions.

Truly all I want to do right now is curl up on the beach with some alcohol and cry for awhile. But I cant I have someone moving in tonight, and a meeting right after work, and prescriptions, and debate work and appointments. Why? What's the use? I cant find the motivation to do any of this. *sigh*

The past few days have left me drained, and depressed and the shit just keeps piling on. I get to sit for 30 minutes and be ridiculed by a dear friend, and the place I wanted to run to tonight I cant. So I am stuck in my little box, by myself and utterly alone. People keep insisting I have loads of friends and places to turn to . . . but you see I dont feel like it. And writing this is making me borderline cry at work.

I dont understand the moment I start to feel accepted, and wanted, and appreciated it all gets taken away. and I am utterly alone again. Do I smell? Or have something tattooed on my face? I just dont understand that when I turn to friends they're always busy with other things.

This may be me being emo, and I am sorry. but this has been the undeniable weight on my chest for the past week. I feel like shouting HELP? But no one is there to listen.
The End
*Alyssa Jean

Bitch is a feminist literary magazine not a Playboy or Dog Magazine

2006-08-22T11:39:00.000-07:00

Okay so I work at the Hyatt. . . there are a lot of people my age that work here. John Bolton was speaking on the news in the lunch room, and someone goes was he in a movie or something? I almost turned around and said uhh no no he happens to represent the United States to the UN. UN ya know? UNITED NATIONS. that lil ole thing on international soil in the New York that attempts to moderate the world. (note the word attempts). The guy next to idiot #1 replies no I have no idea who he is why do we care? And than proceeds to talk about John Benet Ramsey.
ok ok i know a dead little girl is really really sad but lets do the math okay . ..
War in Congo, War between Israel and Lebanon, "Skirmishes" in Syria and potentially Iran nukeing the shit out of something vs. one little girl. (hint : a LOT of people dead vs. ONE) now lets think about how many documentaries and shows have been done on John benet this past WEEK. I UNDERSTAND IT IS A TRAGEDY BUT GOODNESS SAKES THERE IS A WHOLE LOT MORE GOING ON IN THE WORLD.

and then the people that watch the John Benet Documentary part 45 think they're socially aware and try to discuss politics with you. Which divulges down to . .. Death Penalty= for or against? Abortion = for or against? = for or against?

It goes on . . . I was at the bookstore with a friend looking at magazines I get excited because they have "bitch" and "Ms." there. So I pull those out behind the Cosmo. And start to glance at them. I hear in the next aisle over *snicker snicker snicker* there's a magazine called Bitch. Hey dude you should get it. *snicker snicker snicker* I almost went over there and explained the reclaiming of the word and how it is beginning to be used as rhetorical empowerment. But decided better of it.

We wonder why our age of kids dont vote? The most memorable thing about the 2004 election was footwear being waved about. I think I am extremely lucky because of debate. I associate with people that know who Bolton, Rumsfield etc. are.

People need to realize that you should read the newspaper, at least learn who the fuck these people are that are running OUR country. Or resist from making comments that prove true the past alleged stupidity.

The end of the rant . ..

Captivating

2006-08-22T10:17:00.000-07:00

Okay so I was reading this book called Captivating and one chapter really really hit home. It talked about how womyn have this feeling of loneliness, and this need to take care of people and feel that space. They do this by either needing to control everything or wallowing back and convincinv themselves that they're not good enough and that is why people leave them. The biggest fear is abandonment which is true . . . Then it goes into indulgences - how to curb the loneliness we indulge either in alcohol, drugs, affairs, shopping anything.I've realized that my indulgence has been guys. This constant need to be in a relationship to have that stability and that other person to feel that loneliness is what it came from. I have always had a crush or two and never really focused on other things like becoming more spirutual and building that relationship, or heck anything else. I hate to take the road along with everyone else ... but this next month i've decided that everytime my thoughts wander to that other person I am instead going to conciously pray and not think about them. I dont need dates or a relationship right now. The same guy keeps coming back into my thoughts and life, I accept that and acknowledge that it may be a sign but know that I need to focus on myself, and school, and debate and God and family (not in that order!) and I am content with that.I just think it is interesting the realizations that come randomnly. Felt I should share :-)Mark has a girlfriend now, and I am a lil jealous but in all honestly I am really happy for him. We were good together but weren't meant for eachother. We wanted different things out of life that didn't mesh well together. And I accept that now. And am fine with it. :-)the end*aly

Lessons. . .

2006-08-20T06:53:00.000-07:00

1) You can turn down games of flip cup!! I promise!!
2) If you plan to go home and work the next morning do not drink more than one beer and dont let people talk you into Jello Shots!
3) McDonalds after 3 hours of sleep on your way to work is sooo good. mcyummy! (yes i just said that get over it)
okay seriously now . . .

we had our debate work weekend this weekend for the first time . . .
and i could not be happier and more excited i can not wait for debate to start! Kristi and I are just like we were in high school when we debated together . .. but better! its right down to us buying the same shirts again! I have been thinking and last year and this year as well my team is definately a family. My policy team specifically now this may sound corny but they all play different roles. . .
I have the quirky figurehead of the family. That guides you along but not in an overbearing way. Lets you make your own mistakes and than laughs at you about them later. They're always there when you need help and even when you dont. They're like an uncle or aunt that dont blatantly encourage "free expression" but dont discourage it either.

Then there is the elder protective sibling. They dont want you to mess up your life or anything. And when you do uhh engage in any form of "free expression" they dont want to know about it. They're the one that tells you to put on a jacket, or to shut up and get this done. Or to see if you've eaten and yell at you when you're eating crap food and your diet is 90% caffeine. But they're always truly there if you really really needed it.

Then last but not least there is the "bad" cousin or sibling that overtly encourages the free expression. And when you tell them something they give you a high five and say they're proud of you. They're there to have fun, and allow you to make mistakes and stumble but never really fall too hard. They encourage you to do what makes YOU happy and to be independant.

what is funny is the upper two have maintained their roles but the bottom one left last year, however a new addition to our poliy team has taken that place so it's the same dynamic. I am not really sure what role I play but that is how i see them. I love it! I have a family in Long beach i can count on no matter what. They may tease me incessantly but these are life long friends :o)

This year is finally my time to shine, hell the next three years. I am going to kick ass and be remembered. I have been waiting my whole high school debate career to hae the three main things, coaching-partner-budget! So here we go . . .

hope for me, pray for me, wish for me . . . whatever fits in with your beliefs!

As Summer Ends . . .

2006-08-17T21:03:00.000-07:00

It's weird I keep having a few friends constantly asking how I am (which is good they care) or saying they're going to pray for me . . . but the thing is that i dont have many big things to pray about in my life. My life is good great and grand! :-)

Debate Season starts soon . . . that should be interesting. I am excited, I finally have a chance to prove myself and show that saying I didnt have a partner that cared wasnt just an excuse or cop out. and also proving that i made the right decision of going back to policy from parli. I am really excited but scared to death as well. BUt funny enough that is what I have been praying for.
See that is what I can not decide if praying for God to aid me in reaching my potential in debate is okay? I guess if it's not he's forgiving . . . (i hope)

I have a new kitten and her name is Penolope she is the best thing ever. Lately I have been feeling a little lonely and she helps remedy that. I am pretty sure that I'll end up to be a cat lady but oh well! SHe's cute the end.

Summer is almost over . . .
I was reading my blogs on myspace about what this summer was going to be about and how I was going to focus on me, and my friends and strengthening those friendships and strenghteing myself, spirtually, emotionally, and physically. I look back on teh summer and even if it has gone by waay too fast. I am happy abotu this summer and proud of it. I have come closer to God. (who ever though I would say that?) I have developed some amazing friendships that are going to last a very long time. Bettered my relationship with my sister, her and I are very close now. And I have become stronger . . .now see i have always been a strong womyn but i always seem to do what was in other peopels' best interest or what made them happy before my own.

I remember a conversation I have with my roommate about this. I mentioned that the guy I liked she might like and he is in fact closer to her age. she look at my and was like that would make me a bitch and not a good friend and you stupid because you like him. I than thought about three other times i have set friends upw ith guys i cared for because it made them happy. Or basically just having too big a heart as Tim says. Its hard to realize I Just see it as common courtesy but I suppose they are right. I think I have become able to say no to people which is nice.

I truly think I have matured this summer which is nice. That desire to have someone is till there, and the questionign of past mistakes as well. But I am truly content with my life as is. I do like a guy but am perfectly content with friendship. I am grasping the concept of loneliness and indulgences. (more on that later) I seriously have serious amount of stuff to be doing this year, and that would just add one more thing.

this blog truly is a bunch of rambling but I like it . . . a lot. The upside is that I can blog on this at work so expect a lot more :-)

Post the first

2006-08-17T20:58:00.000-07:00

I have a few good friends who blog quite regularly . . . and so that is what this is. My randomn rants and updates on my life. Myspace has gotten too public . . . and stuff along those lines. :-)